Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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