Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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