It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
