i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
