i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
