I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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