Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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