my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
