How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
