my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
