It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
