how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
