she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize