if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
