Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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