Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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