Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize