The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
