theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
