i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
