I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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