last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
