i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
