You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
