Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
