Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
