just tell him i said nine months
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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