You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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