Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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