How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
