I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
