You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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