she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
