She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
