this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
