i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I FOUND THE LEGS
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize