The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
