i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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