Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
