Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
