btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
