I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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