Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
