Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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