The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
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