We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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