I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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