It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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