Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
