I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
