my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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