he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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