if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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