Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
