So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
