Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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