his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize