he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
